Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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