my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
