i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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