see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
