if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
