I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
