he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
