so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
