so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
