A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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