Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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