I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
