you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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