i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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