I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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