I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
