Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
