I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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