She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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