we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
