I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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