Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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