You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
