OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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