I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
