He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
