You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
