I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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