Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
