Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
