my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
