So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
