someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
