Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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