the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
