I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
