Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
