life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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