Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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