Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
