god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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