I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
