I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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