I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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