wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ruined the universe
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
