So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
