I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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