my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
