I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
