I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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