he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
