he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
