Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
